OK, admit it. You don't think twice about your New Years Resolution after January 10th. Good advice would be to not even try to lose that 20 pounds you tucked away into the regions of your chocolate eating, chicken frying, high calorie soda swilling gut.
Why even try? You'll never actually go past it once the "Happy New Years" is shouted at 11:59pm on December 31st. All you care about is hopefully getting to kiss someone within the next minute and getting laid to start out the next crappy year of your life.
Maybe you'd like to stop smoking? In this economy, forget it. No one wants to handle stress with a glass of water or would be able to take the day off because the rent is so inflated. Better to just keep smoking because no one likes a quitter anyways. Probably the best thing you can do is only smoke in the morning, and after dinner. And possibly just one before bed and in the afternoon.
Wait, what about being closer to family? That's a great resolution. Nevermind that it was your own brother who borrowed three thousand dollars from you and hasn't found a way to pay you back though to his bragging, he just bought a new Mustang that he can drive around on the weekends as he goes to gamble his life away at an Indian casino.
The point here is, kiddos, why settle for being a better person once a year for a week and then back to being a bum a week later? You can do better. Some random internet search says that New Years Resolutions have a 12% chance of completion. Round 12% down and its 0%. Zero is a number. If you know you're going to fail, why try? Don't.
If you're a bum, be a bum. There is no changing you. Be happy with yourself as a resolution. Only a small percentage of people take initiative and make the world a better place. Maybe its not your year or decade. It doesn't have to be. You're alive. You are better off than the dead of last year. Be a happy about that.
Look, if you really want to improve something, be prepared to make sacrifices. Knowledge is power. Open up a book and get off the internet every once in a while. Spend time with family, buy your neighbor lunch, go for a walk, its a nice day outside even if its raining. Don't run around sulking because you're fat, balding, and never finished that movie you made in college. Time is plenty, and you might not have money, but you've got the time. Get your act together and do something at least.
As a last resort, whatever you do, do the best you can, even if all you can amount to is a bum. And if you are a bum, quit asking for change, lead by example and get a job collecting cans you lazy jerk.
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